Funny One Liners

Read along.. All of them are really good and some truly awesome

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

Life's a bitch, 'cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for three days and doesn't die.

if you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her

I have all the money I'll ever need - if I die by 4:00 p.m. today

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich

War does not determine who is right - only who is left

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong...

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

When in doubt, mumble.

Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off

Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.

I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.

I think, therefore I'm single.

It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?